Well, I talked to my regular doctor on the telephone a couple hours ago. I had a MRI done on the cervical and lumbar spine the beginning of last week. It showed nothing other than some general arthritis in the lumbar area, but there was a "moderate" nerve compression on the left side of the C3 and C4 vertebrae in the neck. The arthritic condition in that vicinity was also noted. An epidural type of surgery was mentioned. I guess that would mean injections. However, since the pain is not localized, my doctor did not believe that would helpful. Anyway, he wants me to make another appointment with him to discuss it further. I have asked my father to go with me for support. I really don't want to rely on narcotic pain killers and muscle relaxants for the rest of my life. Something has to be out there that would be beneficial.
Lastly, I was in a relationship that I thought had potential to be long-term. However, it has been reduced to mere friendship now. I'm not going to devalue friendship, but I loved someone who didn't love me back. It's a shame, but I keep telling myself that no one can have too many friends. At least, that's always been my philosophy! I'm giving this other person the space that they have needed, and maybe, just maybe, we will turn out to be really good friends. Actually, we had very good communication, but I was always ignoring the excuses and warning signs. I wanted to believe we were lovers and that this was the next long-term relationship in my life. I guess I was the best of dreamers. Well, I'm going to let things cool off, and like I said, give this individual the space that they even told me they desired. I could listen but not hear, the subtle difference.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
A Little Bit of Everything...
It has been almost three weeks now, and I'm still waiting to be referred to get my MRI done. I'm also waiting to hear from the same doctor's office to see when I can visit a neurologist. I was told it might take some time before I can see them, usually several months! Anyway, I am still in a lot of pain. Conversely, I have been feeling very good emotionally this week. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I think the medications are all finally right, the psychotropic ones, even though I am still taking 13 drugs total. Remember 4 of them are pain-related right now. Two are for allergies, two are heart-related, two are to treat the bipolar illness, two are for sleep, and one is for acid reflux. My insurance is crazy. They are more likely to pay for Viagra than they are to pay for a drug for acid reflux. They don't pay for my Clonazepam (Klonopin,) which is a benzodiazepam and is nearly $33 a month. Now, as of this year, they are not paying for my Somnote (the capsule form of Chloral Hydrate.) It is $82 a month. Both of these medicines are largely for sleep. Klonopin tends to keep you more at an even keel as well. Lastly, they stopped paying for Zyrtec, even though it is now generic. That's another $10 to $15 each 100 days. So, even though I have Medicaid, I still put out quite a bit in prescription drugs monthly.
I wanted to take this opportunity to give my condolences to one of my best friends who just lost his father. I can't imagine losing either one of my parents. Even though I don't see eye to eye on most issues with my mother or father, I still love them very deeply. And they not only tell me that they love me, they demonstrate it through many of their actions. I hope both of them are around for many more years, healthy, of course. However, I realize no one knows what the future holds. Who knows, I could go out driving on an errand tomorrow and be killed in an car accident. I'm the youngest, yet I could go first in some kind of tragedy. Like I said, nobody knows. I realize, however, that I don't work, unlike my sister, and I could be there for one or both of my folks, if at any time, they needed help that I could provide. I just hope they remain healthy until it is their time to pass on to the other side. Both of my mother's parents died with a heart that just stopped. Wouldn't that be the best way to leave this earth? Okay, I've talked enough morbidity in one blog. Anyway, Buzz, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your brothers, and especially your mother, as you all work your way through the process of grief. Please communicate with me when you are ready to talk!
Lastly, I have been going through a lot with my relationship with Louis. I think he is afraid of a long-term relationship, because he has never been in one that lasted more than six months. He tells me the other night, ironically the first night that I really started to feel better emotionally, that I can't be all that he needs in a boyfriend. He says that I can't motivate him to do things, to be with his friends and get out of the house as he needs. First of all, I've only met one of his friends at this point, and how could I encourage him to do something with someone I don't even know? I have no idea what any of his male friends are like. I could always support his desire to get out and be with somebody, even without my presence. Apparently, he feels the need to do things and participate in events on a regular basis. A steady relationship can work when one goes out and does something while the other stays home. I have no problem with it, anyway. Then, he tells me that I'm making him feel tied down. He said that he is not the kind of person who has a phone conversation with his significant other every single day. I really have no problem if we don't talk every day. I really enjoy hearing his voice each day, but if he feels less bothered to let a few days go by without conversation, then I guess I'll let it be that way. I really want to have a long-term relationship with Louis. In fact, I told him that I already love him. I have always said it in a manner where he would feel no pressure to respond likewise. I believe we are so complimentary, and there is a lot more about Louis that I like than anything that would be objectionable at all. There are two issues with him that are consistently a problem. First of all, he is always making suggestions. It is not that I care that he would advise me one way or another on an issue, it's just that sometimes he can be a bit on the pushy side. I know it's just because he cares, but he has in the past made suggestions that feel more like demands. However, I must say that he is realizing that he is doing this far too often, which certainly is a start. The other thing, the issue that bothers almost everybody he knows is his tardiness. He is always late!!! I try not to let it bother me, but at times, he is so far behind, that it alters our plans, or at least shortens the time that we spend together. In this area, I don't know if or how I can motivate him to be more prompt. I think the change has to come from within him, and I don't think confronting him all the time will make a difference. Anyway, that's all the lastest concerning the love of my life.
I wanted to take this opportunity to give my condolences to one of my best friends who just lost his father. I can't imagine losing either one of my parents. Even though I don't see eye to eye on most issues with my mother or father, I still love them very deeply. And they not only tell me that they love me, they demonstrate it through many of their actions. I hope both of them are around for many more years, healthy, of course. However, I realize no one knows what the future holds. Who knows, I could go out driving on an errand tomorrow and be killed in an car accident. I'm the youngest, yet I could go first in some kind of tragedy. Like I said, nobody knows. I realize, however, that I don't work, unlike my sister, and I could be there for one or both of my folks, if at any time, they needed help that I could provide. I just hope they remain healthy until it is their time to pass on to the other side. Both of my mother's parents died with a heart that just stopped. Wouldn't that be the best way to leave this earth? Okay, I've talked enough morbidity in one blog. Anyway, Buzz, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your brothers, and especially your mother, as you all work your way through the process of grief. Please communicate with me when you are ready to talk!
Lastly, I have been going through a lot with my relationship with Louis. I think he is afraid of a long-term relationship, because he has never been in one that lasted more than six months. He tells me the other night, ironically the first night that I really started to feel better emotionally, that I can't be all that he needs in a boyfriend. He says that I can't motivate him to do things, to be with his friends and get out of the house as he needs. First of all, I've only met one of his friends at this point, and how could I encourage him to do something with someone I don't even know? I have no idea what any of his male friends are like. I could always support his desire to get out and be with somebody, even without my presence. Apparently, he feels the need to do things and participate in events on a regular basis. A steady relationship can work when one goes out and does something while the other stays home. I have no problem with it, anyway. Then, he tells me that I'm making him feel tied down. He said that he is not the kind of person who has a phone conversation with his significant other every single day. I really have no problem if we don't talk every day. I really enjoy hearing his voice each day, but if he feels less bothered to let a few days go by without conversation, then I guess I'll let it be that way. I really want to have a long-term relationship with Louis. In fact, I told him that I already love him. I have always said it in a manner where he would feel no pressure to respond likewise. I believe we are so complimentary, and there is a lot more about Louis that I like than anything that would be objectionable at all. There are two issues with him that are consistently a problem. First of all, he is always making suggestions. It is not that I care that he would advise me one way or another on an issue, it's just that sometimes he can be a bit on the pushy side. I know it's just because he cares, but he has in the past made suggestions that feel more like demands. However, I must say that he is realizing that he is doing this far too often, which certainly is a start. The other thing, the issue that bothers almost everybody he knows is his tardiness. He is always late!!! I try not to let it bother me, but at times, he is so far behind, that it alters our plans, or at least shortens the time that we spend together. In this area, I don't know if or how I can motivate him to be more prompt. I think the change has to come from within him, and I don't think confronting him all the time will make a difference. Anyway, that's all the lastest concerning the love of my life.
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